Of Roommates and Independence
by ObliviousOwlet
Summary: In which Dipper is tired of freeloading, Mabel is addicted to sugar, Ford is even worse with advice than Stan, and something is very, very wrong with Bill. PostCanon!AU where Dipper puts up an advertisement for a roommate, and is not pleased with the results. (No pairings, rated T for Tree jokes)(I'm kidding. Rated T to be safe)
1. I'm Tired of Freeloading

_**[Hello, dearest readers! It has been far too long since I uploaded anything, partially due to the fact that I have had severe Writer's Block, and also because this wonderful TV show has caught my attention! So, in order to combat said Writer's Block, I have made this. I hope you enjoy, this is the first fanfiction I have written for Gravity Falls.**_

 _ **However, I wish to make it clear, before we get any further, this fanfiction is not meant to be shippy in any way. I don't do romance well. I mean, take it any way you want, sure, I don't care. But it is not intended to be shippy.**_

 _ **Now that we have that out of the way, enjoy!]**_

* * *

"You know, kid, I'd be perfectly fine with you sticking around. I could use the help."

Dipper's hand went to the back of his neck and he shook his head. "I know, I know. But I can't help but feel like I'm just freeloading."

One of Stan's eyebrows shot sky-high. "Would you say Mabel is freeloading?"

"That's completely different, Grunkle Stan," Dipper replied, eyes narrowing. "Mabel is good with customers, and she's more than capable of stocking shelves. She's practically a tornado of helpfulness."

"True," Stan admitted. "I'd really miss having you around, though. Your sister isn't going to take the news well."

"I know."

"She'll take it personally."

"That's why I'm going to break it to her slowly."

Stan shrugged, turning to busy himself with the stove once more. "Slowly or all at once, she'll find a way to make it her fault."

"I'll make her some chocolate chip pancakes with whipped cream, sprinkles, and the strawberry faces she likes."

"Don't forget the gummy bears."

"Do I ever?"

* * *

It had been seven years since the best summer the Pines twins had ever had. It had ended well, to the surprise of all, but like all summers, they eventually had to move back to California.

So, they bid goodbye to their great uncles and the town they had fallen in love with, then jumped back into school. But they never lost an opportunity to head back, preferably without their parents.

Every summer, their parents had been more than happy to send their twins to live with their Grunkle Stan, being busy as they were. So after six years, when they turned eighteen and decided to move out, they already had a home in Gravity Falls.

Now, a year later, they were earning their keep as employees. Wendy had already gone off to college in Portland, and Soos was working as a mechanic, supporting his wife and son-which he named Stanford. He had hinted at naming the one on the way Mabel, but as they still weren't sure of said baby's gender, it had been tentative.

Stanford had been more than happy to move into the available guest house the twins originally helped build for Stanley(worried about where he would live after Ford reclaimed his house at the end of the summer). He occasionally visited, but was usually too wrapped up in the newer anomalies that had been popping up to pay much attention to family.

As such, there was still an extra room downstairs. Dipper requested to take it, making it easier to stay up late with his activities(mainly consisting of clicking a pen and humming along to BABBA songs).

All in all, the past year had been a dream come true for both twins.

Now, Dipper was supposed to throw all that away and tell his best friend that he was moving out. Not that he wasn't justified, after all, he was 19 now, and darn it, he needed to be independent.

Mabel had long since decided that she was vegetarian, making bacon a no-go. So, in order to replace the protein, Dipper generally ended up whipping up an omelet to go with whatever she had decided would be her daily sugary confection. She insisted that she could survive on that which could not in any sense qualify as 'breakfast', but to play it safe, she ate the omelet as well. To their surprise, Dipper was actually a surprisingly good chef.

However, in this case, the point was not nutrition, but buttering her up, something that the younger Pines twin did not do very often.

So, when Mabel entered the kitchen, eyes still dusted with sleep, she was greeted by an enormous stack of chocolate chip pancakes. Each one was practically dripping with syrup (of both the chocolate and maple variety), and piping hot. Then they were topped off with far too much whipped cream, sugared strawberries, sprinkles, and four gummy bears strategically placed in a square shape. No one quite knew why the gummy bears had to be in a square shape, but Mabel would not eat them any other way. So, square it was.

"Is this for me?"

Dipper raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Could you honestly see me eating that much sugar?"

"Probably not," Mabel admitted with a laugh. "What's the occasion?"

"I figured that I'd do something nice for my sister. Does there have to be an occasion?"

"I guess not, but you generally have a problem with my courting Type 2 Diabetes," Mabel replied through a mouthful of sugar. "What's the dealio?"

He couldn't keep a straight face. You'd think that living with someone that had Grunkle Stan's criminal record, a bit of that cunning and ability to lie would rub off. But it never did, and so lying lay outside of Dipper's range of skills.

"...So I've been doing some thinking."

"That's new."

" _Mabel."_

"Sorry, bro," she chuckled through strawberries. "Continue."

Dipper's hand reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose, then he plowed on. "Well, I've been thinking that I'm kind of tired of mooching off of Grunkle Stan for everything."

"Oh Dipthuh."

"What?"

He looked up to find Mabel with her cheeks stuffed like that of a chipmunk's, a sympathetic expression pulling her eyebrows together. "Yuh're noth a mootch."

Dipper rolled his eyes, passing his sister a napkin that had somehow made it's way onto the table. "Mabel, don't talk with your mouth full."

After a few moments that consisted mainly of Mabel chewing and swallowing, she took the napkin to wipe off a good amount of whipped cream. "You're not a mooch."

Dipper sighed. "I know, I know. But I feel like it anyways, and… well… I feel bad about taking advantage of Grunkle Stan. I'm not a ton of help down in the shop, and you've always been better than me with customers…"

"We love having you around, though."

"I've decided it's about time I started pulling my own weight."

Mabel's head tilted ever so slightly to the side as she took another bite of pancakes. "And jutht how do you plan on doing thath?"

"...I'm moving out."

And suddenly, Dipper's face was covered in chewed up pancakes. He grabbed the napkin on the table and wiped it off, having to remind himself that he and Mabel shared the same germs, it wasn't a big deal, okay, maybe it was a little gross…

"What?! Why?"

"I already told you why," Dipper reminded her, wincing at her furious expression.

"Do you honestly think we don't want you around?"

"That's not it at all!" Dipper's hands came up in a reconciliatory gesture, putting one hand on his sibling's to calm her down. "It's a self esteem issue."

Mabel's lips pursed in irritation. "So, you're ditching us to fix your self esteem, when we could just as easily talk it out?"

"No, I'm leaving because I'm an adult now, and it's about time I did something other than hang around my sister and great uncle, just being all around useless."

"We don't think-"

Dipper cut her off, his voice cracking as he interrupted. "It's not about what you guys think about me, it's about how _I_ feel about me!" His hand flew to his throat as his voice cracked, and he winced. "Okay, that was weird. My voice hasn't cracked since I was fifteen."

"It's not that weird."

"Regardless."

Mabel leaned back in her chair, no longer paying any attention to the pancakes. "I guess… I guess I can see where you're coming from. I don't agree with it, and I think you're being a poophead, but I understand."

"I can live with that," Dipper said quietly, squeezing her hand reassuringly.

"What are you thinking about doing, then?"

"Well," Dipper leaned back as he contemplated. "I was thinking that I'd put out an ad for a roommate, and share an apartment on the other side of town."

Mabel leaned forward, thoughtfully placing more pancake in her open mouth. "Wewe you thinking of anyone in pawhticulawh?"

Translating her pancake-muffled speech, Dipper replied with a soft chuckle. "No, not really. That's why I'm putting out the ad."

Swallowing, Mabel finally allowed herself a smile. "Well, then, good luck with that. Try not to make your experience with said roommate end up like one of those rom-coms mom watches."

Dipper shuddered visibly, and nodded. "I'll do my best."

"And visit. Often."

"I will."

"Awkward sibling hug?"

Dipper nodded, a grin tugging at the corners of his lips. Mabel stood up with him, and pulled him into a hug that lasted approximately three seconds, then in unison, they patted the other three times on the back.

"Pat. Pat. Pat."

Mabel giggled and let go, eyes slightly misty. "Geez, you're taller than me now."

"Alpha Twin, right?"

"I'll always be Alpha Twin," she replied, punching Dipper in the shoulder. "And don't you ever forget it."

* * *

"How's the ad coming?"

Dipper yawned and leaned back, looking down at what he had written. After a few seconds of scrutiny, he picked it up, rolled it into a crumpled ball, then threw it at his wastebasket. Along with a good thirty more failed attempts. "Not too good."

Mabel clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth and leaned against his desk. "Maybe you should stop thinking so much. What's the big worry?"

"They'll think I'm a nerd would be number one," he grumbled, then looked up at the sound of a giggle.

Mabel rolled her eyes and gently pushed at her twin's shoulder. "They're going to think that anyways. You just have to be comfortable in your ad, and they'll think you're laid back. Low-key roommates are best."

"Because they don't keep you up all night?"

"Mainly that," Mabel replied, nodding. "Also, go for someone with a steady income, so that you don't end up paying rent by yourself while they mooch."

Dipper winced internally at that, then sighed. "Okay, what do you suggest?"

His sister laughed at this, shaking her head. "Don't take my advice on advertisements, I'll put it on a bill board and bedazzle everything. You should go ask Grunkle Ford."

"Do you think he'd listen?"

"Maybe if you bring Dungeons, Dungeons, and more Dungeons..."

* * *

"Princess Unattainabelle beckons you... but wait, it's a trap!"

Dipper took in a sharp breath, then felt a vague sense of deja vu as he was taken back to seven years previous. "Probabilitor?"

"Mhm."

The younger Pines twin smirked and rolled the dice, waiting for the dice to land on the exact number he needed, then let out a bark of laughter as it began to land on said number.

But alas, it was a trap.

"Dangit. Looks like you win again," Dipper sighed as he leaned back. "Why is it that you always beat me?"

"Experience," was Ford's only response as he scooped up the dice and rolled it over his knuckles into the box. "So, what did you need to talk about?"

Dipper quietly thanked the stars that they were finally getting to the point. "Well, I'm moving out, and Mabel said you'd be able to help with an advertisement."

"What for?" Ford turned to look at him as he put the box on the table several feet away, crashing his foot into the table as he did so. To Dipper's surprise and amazement, he managed to keep the sound of pain to small yelp.

"A roommate."

"Roommates are overrated," Ford grumbled before successfully placing the game on the table. "Just make it simple as possible. 'Wanted: Roommate, must have etc., then put your contact information."

"I know, I just have a thing for making everything detailed... Mainly because I get anxiety thinking about phonecalls," Dipper admitted with a chuckle.

"Then request that they text or email you."

"Fair enough," the younger man said with a sigh. "To be honest, I'm just glad to be pulling my own weight."

"Likewise," Ford grunted, nudging him with his elbow. "Not that I think you're a freeloader, but it does a man good to be out on his own-or with a roommate," he amended.

"Exactly," Dipper replied, before getting up from his position on the floor and stretching. "Thanks, Grunkle Ford."

"No problem, kid," he replied with a small smile before perking up. "Actually, I don't have anything I'm doing, and my WiFi works surprisingly well. You could use my computer if you'd like."

The younger Pines twin blinked in surprise before grinning at his great uncle. "That would actually be great. That way, I have an excuse for skipping dinner."

"Is Mabel cooking?"

"Yes."

"Then it's probably best you stay here," Ford chuckled.

* * *

"How do hamburgers sound?"

"Amazing," Dipper admitted, about to hit send. "I'm just about done with my advertisement, and I intend to email it to the newspaper. What do you think?"

Ford leaned over to read what was on the screen. "Wanted: Roommate. Must have steady income and no criminal record. If interested, contact via text or email at 555-0875 or dipperpines16."

"Simple enough."

"You spent 20 minutes writing that?"

"What can I say? I'm a perfectionist."

Ford fought the urge to make a sarcastic comment, then stopped himself. "You _do_ realize that you yourself have a criminal record. How about 'minimal criminal record'?"

"That rhymes. I don't want to do that."

"It's an advertisement, Dipper." The older man reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Not an essay."

"Good point," Dipper replied, before finally pressing the send button.

"Now, we wait."

* * *

 _ **[I have no idea when I will update this, but don't expect it to be tomorrow. I have become notorious for slow updates. I hope you enjoyed! Oblivious out~!**_

 _ ***scoots out of frame*]**_


	2. The Apartment by the Gossiper

_**[Hello, dear readers! I may not post updates very quickly, as those who follow Put On Your War Paint have already learned. But, I promised myself(and my friend) that I would continue with this, and here you are! Dipper is having some trouble finding a satisfactory roommate, let's see how he's doing~!]**_

* * *

"I don't get it. Why isn't anyone responding?"

"Well, you did just send the advertisement last night."

Dipper frowned at his phone, irritated at the lack of notifications. "I know. But still…"

Stan reached over to put his hand on his nephew's shoulder. "It'll take a while for someone to notice. Just be patient."

In response he received a sigh, so he instead opted to scold someone for trying to make a rope ladder out of question mark shirts.

Dipper sighed to himself, when his phone began vibrating in his hand. Excited, he tapped the messages icon, face falling as he registered the Caller ID.

 _Message Received: Hey, little bro, you got any takers yet?_

Two thumbs did a small, quick dance across the keyboard while they decided what they'd reply, then:

 _Message Sent: No, not yet. I'm not expecting an immediate response, though._

He leaned back in his chair, barely acknowledging the new batch of tourists that was being conducted about the shack. His phone began to vibrate once, then twice.

 _Message Received: Liar._

 _Message Received: Don't give up! If worse comes to worst, Candy is looking for a room mate as well._

Dipper's nose scrunched with distaste as he shook his head. _Certainly not. Last time she stayed the night, I ended up with cat whiskers. Literal cat whiskers. Superglued to my face._

 _Message Sent: No. Never again._

* * *

 _Message Received: Hey, is this the guy who was looking for a room mate?_

Dipper could barely contain his excitement, grinning as he replied. The advertisement had been up for a full day now, and he was beginning to consider Mabel's suggestion.

 _Message Sent: Yeah, you interested?_

 _Message Received: Yep. You have a place in mind?_

 _Message Sent: Yeah, there's this apartment by the Gossiper. I have a deal with the landlord, so we get it for a lower price._

 _Message Received: That's awesome. First things first though, I don't have a steady income. I am between jobs at the moment, and my parents kicked me out, so… It might be a while. Will that be a problem?_

 _Message Sent: ...Yeah, it might be. Are you sure of a steady job some time in the future?_

 _Message Received: Not exactly._

 _Message Sent: That's going to be a problem._

 _Message Received: Look, I know it's not exactly ideal, but we can talk with my parents, I'm sure they'd be able to lend some money until then. They live at the Valentino's Funeral Home._

 _Message Sent: Wait… Robbie, is this you?_

 _Message Received: Yeah, why?_

 _Message Received: Do I know you?_

 _Message Sent: Dude, this is Dipper._

 _Message Received: Oh._

 _Message Received: This is kind of awkward._

 _Message Received: ...So… how have you been?_

 _Message Sent: Stop texting me._

* * *

 _Message Received: Hey, is this the guy looking for a roommate?_

 _Message Sent: Yeah, that's me._

 _Message Received: Okay, great. I've been looking as well, I have a steady income, and I have never been arrested._

 _Message Sent: Okay, that's great! What's your name?_

 _Message Received: Brittney. Just a warning, though, my boyfriend just broke up with me… You don't mind being a rebound, do you?_

 _Message Sent: ...I'm not sure I understand._

 _Message Received: Well, a rebound is when you get to know someone romantically immediately after a previous breakup to sort of jump back into the dating scene._

 _Message Sent: I know what a rebound is. I think there's a misunderstanding here. I'm not looking for a partner._

 _Message Received: Are you sure? I'm not exactly smoking hot, but I wouldn't say that I'm ugly._

 _Message Sent: I am not interested in romance right now._

 _Message Received: Positive? You're completely positive?_

 _Message Sent: Goodbye._

* * *

 _Message Received: Yo, I saw an advertisement in the paper… You need a roommate?_

 _Message Sent: Yeah, that would be me. Although, I am not looking for any type of romantic partner, so if that's your intention, I apologize._

 _Message Received: ...What?_

 _Message Sent: Long story. This girl texted, thinking that I was looking for a girlfriend._

 _Message Received: Ah. Sounds desperate. What was her name?_

 _Message Sent: Uh, Brittney, I think. Why?_

 _Message Received: Are you serious?! Not even two days after the breakup, and she's already trying to find a rebound._

 _Message Sent: Okay, I don't want to get involved in this kind of conflict. Are you interested in the apartment or not?_

 _Message Received: Not if Brittney's interested. She can marry a woodpecker for all I care._

 _Message Sent: Please don't text me again._

* * *

"So, has anyone texted you about the apartment?" Mabel leaned against her brother's shoulder, looking at what he was doing on the computer.

"...No one good."

"What do you mean by that?"

Dipper made a face and shut his laptop. "Robbie was the first taker."

"Eugh. Not a chance."

"And then I got stuck in an argument between a newly broken up couple."

"Never fun," Mabel agreed, sitting on his desk. "That sounds rough. Don't get too frustrated about it, though. I'm sure someone will ask about it and _not_ be a hobo or someone looking for a rebound."

Dipper blinked in surprise. "How…?"

"You have that look that you get when someone starts hitting on you. The 'please go away I don't like you' look."

"That's my normal look."

"Exactly."

In reply, the younger twin simply rolled his eyes and spun in his swivel chair. "I just want a normal person who doesn't hate me, or be in the middle of an extreme drama story."

Mabel tilted her head to the side slightly, then gently punched him in the shoulder. "Hey, you'll find someone. And I'll blog about your love story."

"That's not going to happen."

"Never say never…!"

* * *

 _Message Received: Hello?_

 _Message Received: Is this the dude that advertised for the roommate?_

Dipper sighed and contemplated how to reply. There had been four more replies, two being former convicts, one being a man who, like Robbie, was between jobs, and another who was actually just fine where he was, but was afraid of spiders and needed someone to take care of them for him. He didn't want someone to move into a different apartment with; he wanted someone to move in with him. And kill all of his spiders.

Dipper hadn't been quite sure how to respond to that one.

Then, after preparing himself for further drama, he twirled the phone between his fingers and replied.

 _Message Sent: Yes._

There were a few seconds between this reply and the next, which was rather simple.

 _Message Received: Got it. So, is it still up, or have you found someone already?_

Dipper laughed to himself, shaking his head, and replied quickly.

 _Message Sent: Nope, it's still up. I just have a few questions._

 _Message Received: Alright. What have you got?_

 _Message Sent: Do you have a steady income?_

 _Message Received: Yes, I do. I don't currently have a job, but I'm not worried. I have a substantial amount of savings that should last me a long time. I'm looking for said job right now, and might even have it before I see you about the apartment, but I wouldn't be worried. I came from a pretty wealthy family, and I have a good amount of money to start from._

Dipper blinked in surprise, not entirely sure how to reply to that. "Well then. I guess… Mabel?"

His sister was on the bed next to him, playing on her own phone, when his voice shook her concentration from Candy Crush. "Yeah, bro-bro. What's up?"

"What do you think?" He leaned over, displaying the screen, and she blinked once or twice quickly.

"Nice. They sound like they are pretty confident they should pay rent, and if they are actively looking for a job… I'd say ask a few more questions, just to make sure."

"Mkay."

 _Message Sent: Got it. You're positive it will last until you get a job?_

 _Message Received: Completely positive. It should be more than sufficient._

 _Message Sent: Okay then. I have my eye on a place by the Gossiper, I could send you a picture._

 _Message Received: Do you mean the apartment complex on the other side of the block?_

 _Message Sent: Yes._

 _Message Received: No need for the picture, then. I'm familiar with the area. Not too bad. Anything else you need to know?_

 _Message Sent: Do you have a criminal record?_

 _Message Received: Well, in all honesty, I have been arrested once or twice, but the first time was a mistake. The second time, I forgot to come to court for a ticket. I'd say my morals are somewhat dubious, but I don't drink or do drugs, I don't smoke, and I generally stay on the right side of the law._

 _Message Sent: Right. I understand, I have a criminal record as well-it was a mistake, of course, but I can understand that. The police here aren't exactly at the top of their game._

 _Message Received: You can say that again._

 _Message Sent: Okay, so what do you need the apartment for?_

 _Message Received: Somewhere to live...?_

 _Message Sent: No, I mean, what were the circumstances leading to needing the apartment? I don't mean to be nosy, but I've had two people who only wanted to share an apartment to hide out from their ex, and a guy whose parents kicked him out because they'd had enough of his freeloading._

 _Message Received: Man, that sucks. Well, I recently came into a dilemma that left me without a place to stay. Nothing illegal, nothing too bad, but I need somewhere to stay while I work it out. I don't know how long it will be until I move back, so I need a roommate in the meantime._

 _Message Sent: That sounds like it sucks, man. I think that's about all the questions I needed to ask, so, the address is 665 Screaming Void Avenue, you wanna meet up there and check it out?_

 _Message Received: That sounds great. What's your name, by the way?_

 _Message Sent: Dipper. And yours?_

 _Message Received: ...William._

 _Message Sent: Alright then. See you._

* * *

 _Message Received: Okay, when did you say you wanted me there?_

Dipper looked down at the keyboard, then mentally facepalmed. Of course, he had forgotten to set a time.

 _Message Sent: Uh. Right now?_

 _Message Received: Oh. How convenient, I'm coming by now anyways._

Dipper sighed in relief, and leaned against the doorframe.

 _Message Sent: Okay, what do you look like, so I know it's you?_

 _Message Received: I'm a blonde in a suit, holding a cane._

 _Message Sent: Why do you have a cane? o.O_

 _Message Received: Why are_ _ **you**_ _wearing a pine tree hat?_

Dipper frowned at the text, then looked up to see someone who fit the description quite well striding down the hall with a purpose. He was twirling a cane, with a familiar glint in his eye that he couldn't quite place. He came to a stop several feet from the younger Pines twin, standing with his legs crossed, free hand resting on his hip.

"Hey there, you must be William-nice to meet you," Dipper croaked, then shook his head as if to clear it and smiled, beginning to put his phone in his pocket when a very, very familiar voice hit his ears like a tidal wave.

"Nice to see you again, Pinetree."

And his phone clattered to the floor.


End file.
